Yes, they’re at it yet again and it’s getting really tiresome.

And what’s worse is that these fecktards can’t even operate their phone system properly, constantly hanging up or dropping calls.

“1&1 Accounts: The Home of Special Needs”

I live in London, so not exactly rural or out of the way, and my telephone line is a BT line. BT suggest – via their website – that I can get up to 2Mb download speeds but nothing greater than that. And of course the actual truth, as confirmed to me today by my present broadband providers, O2, is that:

“We’ve estimated that your maximum download speed is 0.5 meg. This is based on information BT gave us about your BT line. The reason why you can’t get better speed is because of the distance between your home and your local exchange which is about 5930 meters.

So, there’s nothing that we can do in this instance. At the best you can realistically hope for speed up to 1Mb download speed. Therefore, we’re unable to provide you with better speed.”

Great, eh?

I received a letter from Santander at the weekend telling me that my loan account is in arrears. That was news to me, given that as far as I am aware I only have two savings accounts with them (brought over from Bradford & Bingley).

So I rang them this morning as the letter suggests I should, quoting the account number on the letter and giving them details of my name, address and date of birth. So far so good.

I asked them about this alleged loan account and was told it was a Cahoot one. Now as far as I am aware, this was paid off a year or two ago and I even had a letter from them telling me they were taking my final payment by direct debit.

Now in order for Santander to continue the conversation – so I was told – they now needed me to tell them what my monthly payment was. I have no idea: this was a year or two ago and I only get online bank statements that go back six months or a year or whatever with limited details, so there’s no way I have that information. Fail.

They asked me when the loan was taken out. I have no idea! It was years ago and I moved out two years ago and binned most paperwork as I had nowhere to store the masses of papers I’d built up over the years. Fail.

In that case, they said, they wouldn’t continue the call. If I wanted to talk to them, I would need to write and ask them for the details. So let’s get this right: if I write them a letter with the same details I’d given them over the phone, they’d send me all the details I needed which they wouldn’t give me over the telephone! Shurely shome mishtake?

“No,” I said, “if you’re claiming there are some arrears, you need to send me the details of how and why they arose and how they’re calculated.”

Wunch of bankers!

Looking at the tech specs, it’s lighter, thinner and shorter than my present Nokia N97 but wider. So a guarded thumbs up there. It’s heavier, taller and wider but thinner than my current choice for upgrade, BlackBerry’s Pearl 3G/9105, so the scales tip away again. And of course it’s a touchscreen with all that goes with that in terms of minor irritations.

The first couple of minutes of the promo video focus on the video calling capability of the iPhone 4, but then this does depend upon both the caller and the recipient having iPhone 4s and being set up and using WiFi. The guy in the hotel room is clearly luckier or wealthier than me, because I almost always find hotel WiFi hit and miss and hideously expensive. And of course this is nothing that an average laptop user can’t accomplish with a cellular, wired or wireless connection and Windows Live Messenger, Skype or whathaveyou. So the main feature is nice, but expensive.

Multi-tasking makes it to the iPhone 4, something that both the Nokia and the BlackBerry have been doing for yonks.

So it looks like the choice is probably still going to be the BlackBerry, but we’ll see.

Sadly, not all big names are like this.

HP are, without doubt, the most useless company to try to buy directly from.

My daughter needs a laptop for university so I’d narrowed the selection down and found a decent option at John Lewis (where she gets staff discount). I then looked at HP’s own website where they were offering the same unit with £150 off, so that was the cheaper option. I filled in my details online, billing address as my debit card and delivery address to my partner’s house where most other stuff gets delivered to. This was on the 9th May. They then did nothing with the order until the 12th, when they rejected it, helpfully telling me:

“Thank you for shopping at the HP Store.

Unfortunately, the order cannot be completed, as we are unable to verify some of the details on the order used for the purposes of our payment verification process.

Please note that there is nothing to worry about, and if you believe that your details were recorded incorrectly on the order, please re-submit, checking that the information given is complete and correct.

Some helpful hints:

-       Your credit/debit card must be registered to the billing address provided;
-       The billing address is to be entered in the same format as what appears on your credit/debit card statement;
-       The card holders name must be the same as the person stated in the order billing address details;
-       An alternative payment option may be available via HP Store, such as bank transfer (BACS).

If you have any further queries relating to this order, please contact our customer service team by emailing {removed} or calling our advisors on 084.560.429.21 (lines are open Monday – Friday 09:00 – 17:30).”

I was travelling that day, but rang from the hotel given that none of those “helpful hints” matched whatever issue they were having. I was offered the option of prepayment instead so I placed the order again and was told to expect an e-mail with payment details. This arrived a few minutes later:

“Thank you for shopping at the HP Store. We acknowledge the receipt of your order and we are currently checking all the data.

Your order number is: {removed}-002

The acceptance of the order is dependent on receipt of your payment. You will receive an order confirmation email as soon as the order has been approved.

We will send you a pro forma invoice along with payment instructions within the next days. However, if you would prefer to arrange for immediate payment, please find below the required information, allowing you to proceed with the fund transfer:

BACS Instructions:

Payment Ref: {removed}

Please ensure that you provide your HP Store Order Number as payment reference.

The order will be released when HP has visibility of the funds in our bank account. Please note this can take up to 6 days, due to the banking process…”

So, as instructed, I made immediate payment using online banking and was told that payment would be made instantly. This was on May 12th. No order confirmation e-mail. No pro-forma invoice either. Nothing.

I rang them this morning. No, they hadn’t done anything with the order as it usually takes them a few days to match the payment to the order – despite me putting that as the payment reference – and that they now needed me to send them proof of payment. This meant taking a screen capture, editing it to remove all the other details and then e-mailing it to them. Nothing at all about this in their e-mails, obviously. That would be way too easy, wouldn’t it?

We will see what transpires now. Just as well she doesn’t need it for a couple of months, eh?

In the meantime, a challenge for you: try to visit the HP website and work out how to track your order. The best I managed was to do it in six steps: Home | Support & Troubleshooting | HP Branded Products | Buy Direct Online | Buy HP products online direct from HP | Track My Order. Not exactly intuitive, is it?

• the touchscreen is slow and unresponsive sometimes, which means that it takes twice as long to enter a text message or input data due to errors
• the touchscreen is usually greasy from my fingers and/or face
• Nokia’s Bluetooth implementation sucks: it doesn’t work properly in my Mazda RX-8 R3, unlike both my BlackBerry and Sony Ericsson phones
• reception is rubbish, though this could be down to Vodafone who, let’s not forget, are now selling a gadget to boost your signal (actually a box which appears to change your calls to VOIP)
• the camera lens is scratched, ironically enough by the lens cover that’s supposed to protect it, so that most shots are compromised and flash shots are truly horrendous

So I’ve decided to replace it with something else. Now, the iPhone is no good as it’s too large and restricted by network (unless you pay top dollar from Expansys) and I’m now no fan of touchscreens anyway. Sony Ericsson have a Google Android device that looks good but is again a touchscreen and Android’s implementation of Bluetooth is again full of fail in terms of voice dialling. No, if only I could have a GPS-equipped version of my favourite current phone, my SE W595.

Well that would appear to be the Sony Ericsson W995 then? Yes … and no. Can someone explain to me what on earth possessed SE to shove a metal stand on it? SRSLY, WTF? I mean, do they reckon that you’re going to get together with friends and family to sit around a tiny mobile phone perched on a coffee table to watch a movie? No, that’s what TVs are for! And in the meantime, that stand is going to be flapping around all over the place – take a look at any demo unit in a phone shop and see what I mean. So it’ll get caught when you put it in or out of your pocket. Being metal, it’ll scratch any other gadgets in the same pocket. Of course, I could just break it off or superglue it down, but that’s not a good way to treat a new phone, surely?

The company behind this latest panic is S&P and their word is gospel to governments and financial markets. And they were, of course, the ones who gave AAA ratings to the “collateralised debt obligations” that brought about the major global financial collapse and indeed gave Lehmans an A rating shortly before their collapse (excuses here). Oh and there’s some good analysis from the BBC’s Robert Peston here.

Arse? Elbow? They don’t know.

But what if Greece were to say, “no, S&P are right and our debts are worthless. Tell you what, world, why don’t you shove your debt up your bum because we’re not going to pay”? What would everyone else do? Send the bailiffs round to collect their televisions? I doubt it. So Greece, why not simply say you’re going to continue with the austerity measures and get your balance of payments back in kilter and become self-sufficient so as to be able to become less reliant on world trade and certainly world financial markets. Because, realistically, what can the rest of the world actually do?

Oh and S&P (aka Standard and Poor)? Fuck off!

Does Google not know that Sky’s interactive listings guide doesn’t work with Chrome?

“We have detected that you are using Chrome. You need Internet Explorer, Safari 3 or Firefox to view the latest version of the TV Listings”

Doh!

I will never again buy any shoes from Fredericks of Hollywood. For non-US orders, they use iShopUSA to ship them and they are utter fecktards:

2 March, order paid by credit card:

“Credit Card Payments
Your credit card will not be charged until we have been able to verify the details of your credit card information”

2 March, e-mail from iShopUSA:

“Dear Richard,

Due to the high risk of credit card fraud associated with international transactions as well as discrepancies regarding your order information, we ask for your understanding and cooperation in verifying your identity with us, since we always strive to do our utmost to protect our clients from fraudulent and unauthorized transactions.

Before we can proceed with your order, we need you to provide us with the documentation outlined below:
1. The signed credit card authorization form (click here to download this PDF document)
2. A photocopy of the front and back of your credit card
3. A photocopy of your driver license or passport
Please send all required documents to Anti-Spam e-mail Link or fax them to +1 310 882 5447.
Please note that we need you to send us these documents only once. As long as you use the same credit card, it will not be necessary for future orders.

Please take the following security precautions before emailing or faxing the documents:
- Cover all digits of the credit card number except for the last 4 digits
(Please note: This does not apply to the credit card number field on the credit card authorization form; this field has to contain the full credit card number including all digits.)
- Cover the driver license/passport number
- Send the documents separately
In order to avoid delays with your order, we suggest that you scan the documents and send them via email or at least set the fax resolution to high, so that they are clearly legible.

Alternatively, you may also pay by PayPal.
In case you’d rather like to pay by PayPal, just let us know. We will then revise your order and send you a link with which you will be able to pay for your order.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
As always, if you have any questions or need help with your order, please contact our Customer Experience Specialists at Anti-Spam e-mail Link or give us a call at +1 (424) 903-4002. We look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks in advance and have a good day.
Kind regards,

iShopUSA”

2 March, my reply:

“Sorry, but no chance!

PayPal will be fine: please send me a payment link.”

3 March, PayPal link received.

3 March, e-mail from iShopUSA:

“Dear Richard,

This is your revised order containing a change in payment method to PayPal.

As soon as you accept the revision, we will be able to process your order. Please reply to this e-mail and send it to revisions@…, so that we can proceed with your order. Please be advised that your response has to include a copy of this revision as well as your statement accepting or declining the revised order. If you do not include the statement or the copy of the revision, this may delay the ordering process. If you do not accept the revision, please let us know as well. Thank you.

If you would like to respond to this revision in order to accept or decline this revision now, please click the reply button in your e-mail program, add your statement that you accept or decline to the e-mail text and make sure that the e-mail address in the send-to field is revisions@…. You may need to replace the e-mail no-reply@… with revisions@…. Please note that if you try to reply to no-reply@…, we will not receive your e-mail.

You can check your order status any time you want by logging in to your iShopUSA customer account.

Thank you for your order!”

3 March, e-mail from me accepting the order.

3 March, e-mail from iShopUSA to my PayPal e-mail account:

“Dear Richard,

Due to the high risk of credit card fraud associated with international transactions as well as discrepancies regarding your order information, we ask for your understanding and cooperation in verifying your identity with us, since we always strive to do our utmost to protect our clients from fraudulent and unauthorized transactions.

Before we can proceed with your order, we kindly request that you to reply to this email to confirm that you placed this order.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused…”

3 March, e-mail from me to iShopUSA:

“There are no damn discrepancies with my order. You’ve been paid. Now stop pissing about and send the damn shoes!”

4 March, e-mail from iShopUSA to me:

“Your order has been successfully processed!

The amount of time it takes for items to arrive at our warehouse varies between 5-7 business days.  Once we receive your item and inspect them they will be shipped out to you.  At this time we will email you with a tracking number.”

Silence.

29 March, log in to their website:

“Status: In transit to warehouse”

Looking at the explanation of what this means reveals this little gem:

“In transit to warehouse:
Your items are on the way to our warehouse in California where they will be consolidated and eventually shipped out to you.”

“Eventually” being the operative word, it seems…

So I thought I’d ring them to find out the status. The website for the Lincoln DVLA local office says:

“For enquiries about vehicles: 0300 790 6802 (Textphone minicom users 0300 123 1279).

For enquiries about driving licences: 0300 790 6801 (Textphone minicom users 0300 123 1278).

Please note, all calls are handled initially by our call centre based in Swansea.”

Which would be fine, if DVLA Swansea actually answered their calls. The recorded message I got today says that due to high call demand they cannot answer my call and so it hung up the call.