Quelle surprise…

They’ve announced that within a few weeks I won’t be able to log in to my online banking unless I use my Secure Key. Now, at the moment if I want to log in to my online banking account, I simply fire up a web browser, enter my twelve alphanumeric character user ID, then my date of birth and then three of six numbers from my security number. Easy-peasy!

Soon, I will have to have my Secure Key with me when I want to log in. I’ll enter my user ID into the website, then put a four to eight digit PIN into my Secure Key, generate a code, enter the code into the website and then enter a keyphrase into the website. Phew!

Much more hassle and a potential inability to access anything if I don’t happen to have yet another credit card-sized device with me.

Grr!

I received a letter from Santander at the weekend telling me that my loan account is in arrears. That was news to me, given that as far as I am aware I only have two savings accounts with them (brought over from Bradford & Bingley).

So I rang them this morning as the letter suggests I should, quoting the account number on the letter and giving them details of my name, address and date of birth. So far so good.

I asked them about this alleged loan account and was told it was a Cahoot one. Now as far as I am aware, this was paid off a year or two ago and I even had a letter from them telling me they were taking my final payment by direct debit.

Now in order for Santander to continue the conversation – so I was told – they now needed me to tell them what my monthly payment was. I have no idea: this was a year or two ago and I only get online bank statements that go back six months or a year or whatever with limited details, so there’s no way I have that information. Fail.

They asked me when the loan was taken out. I have no idea! It was years ago and I moved out two years ago and binned most paperwork as I had nowhere to store the masses of papers I’d built up over the years. Fail.

In that case, they said, they wouldn’t continue the call. If I wanted to talk to them, I would need to write and ask them for the details. So let’s get this right: if I write them a letter with the same details I’d given them over the phone, they’d send me all the details I needed which they wouldn’t give me over the telephone! Shurely shome mishtake?

“No,” I said, “if you’re claiming there are some arrears, you need to send me the details of how and why they arose and how they’re calculated.”

Wunch of bankers!

So I went online, filled out the application details, sent them proof of address, etc. and then waited. Yesterday, I received a letter saying that due to my credit score from Experian, Citibank wouldn’t let me open the account.

It’s a current account with no credit card and no overdraft facility. No credit or borrowing required. So why should a credit score affect this? What a wunch of bankers!

I wanted to close an account, so I rang their phone number as printed on the statement. I had to wait whilst the automated service threw a wobbly as I didn’t enter a card number – I have no card with them – before I sat in a queue for 21 minutes. The dial tone then changed … and the fuckwit telebanker cut me off!

Useless wankers.

After another 22 minute wait, I finally got through to an operator who couldn’t help me anyway!

So I rang 0845 7555555 again and went through thus usual palaver of them not being able to find the account on their system before I was transferred to a supervisor. I asked her for the direct dial telephone number before she transferred me through, which she gave me before … cutting me off!

I rang the number she had give me which was, of course, the wrong one. I managed to get yet another number from this department to ring which was 01202 648773 and I rang them.

No apparent notes on their system. After a few minutes, the woman took all my details, gave me a case reference and said that someone would call me back within 48 hours and hopefully find out what had happened to those cheques.

I asked why my account had not already been credited with the money given that they had acknowledged receipt of the cheques and that it was clearly their problem and not mine if they chose to lose them. She said she would put a note to that effect on the case notes…

And guess what?

Yes, someone managed to get £500 out of his account!

Got to love this bit though:

“The bank cannot find out who did this because of the Data Protection Act and they cannot stop it from happening again.”

Ah! The Nanny State, eh?

The UK Banks really don’t want to know – in my experience – unless you are a business. If you can find a bank that will open a US Dollar account, they usually ignore the money they will be making on holding the foreign currency and instead they will want to charge you a significant sum for holding an account in a foreign currency.

Barclays do have a “Currency Call Deposit Account” though which does not make a monthly charge but instead pays no interest on the first $2,999 but then pays a massive 0.25%. Wow!

Then of course, there’s the small issue that that account does not give you a cheque book or debit card to make any withdrawals or payments nor does it provide you with a credit book to pay cheques or cash in with!

The problem then comes when you go to your local branch – the one who allegedly holds the account (it’s their sort code and branch on the quarterly statements) – to try to pay cheques in. They’re used(ish) to people presenting cheques on a “negotiation basis” into their Sterling accounts. Barclays charge a fee for this and you then get credited with the balance at whatever the then excahnge rates are. I don’t want to halve the face value of the cheques I receive and I live in hope of being able to eventually use my US Dollar account to trade with US-based companies and individuals.

So presenting a US Dollar cheque or cheques for payment into a US Dollar account, I want them handled on a “collection basis” which is how they I presume they should be handled.

Unfortunately, most of the local branch staff DHAFC and frankly I get fed up of going through this palaver every time I have a cheque to pay in, so I tend to wait until I have two or three and then pay them in at once. Depending upon how the staff at the branch have mishandled the credit slip, I sometimes get a letter acknowledging receipt or telling me they cannot negotiate the cheques and are simply going to present them on a collection basis instead.

So on 7 September 2007, I paid in three US Dollar cheques totalling just $88.99. On 12 September 2007, I received a letter which said:

“We have received your cheque(s) for the sum of USD$88.99, which you have requested we present on a negotiation basis…”

I just want the cheque paid into my account with as little fuss (and as little fee) as possible.

Then on 22 October 2007 – 6 weeks after I paid the cheques in… – I received a letter telling me that they had “received payment for this collection and have today credited [my] account … USD 38.40…”

And the statement arrived today showing only $38.40 has been credited to my account.

So I rang Barclays on 0845 7555555 which is the number which appears on my statements and on the letters they write (unless they simply don’t state a number anywhere which is a regular occurrence too).

This puts you through to a call centre on the Indian sub-contintent after you negotiate the electronic call system which doesn’t like you failing to enter a bank card number or telephone banking password, neither of which are provided with the account…

Eventually you talk to someone who asks you repeatedly for the sort code and number of your account. You know full well they cannot find it on their system as these accounts are ‘handled’ by Barclays International in Poole (the ones who once sent back a large fee deposit from an Italian client because despite quoting the sort code and account number for my account, they didn’t recognise the – incomplete – branch address and apparently Barclays are happy for more than one customer to have the same account number, just at  different branch…).

So after 37 minutes and two transfers, I eventually spoke to a guy in Poole who is as I type this trying to find the cheques in their system. As I said to him, I paid them into my local branch and they acknowledged receipt of the cheques, so if they’ve lost them, that’s their problem not mine.

He’s going to ring me back when he finds them…